Wednesday, March 19, 2014

What's "Behind" Our Underwear Issues?

There's no reason for the quotes around "Behind."  I just didn't want you to miss the play on words.

My family has issues with underwear.  Tom can't have enough, Connor wears too many, Taylor doesn't wear enough, and Bella likes to eat them.  I started to type "Bella likes to eat dirty underwear" and then I tried the word "soiled," but decided against both because what would you think of us?  Charlie Brown does not have any issues with underwear, so "kudos" to Charlie since, as you know, he's got lots of issues.  Oh, and me, I have the benefit of being the writer, so no news here about my underwear.

So, what's the deal with my family and their underwear?  Let's see.

Tom: I have no idea where his obsession with "running out of clean underwear" originated, but it goes back as long as I've known him.  As he was packing recently for a three-day business trip he asked, "Did you do the wash?"  Well, that's not a question you need to ask me because I'm obsessed with doing laundry.  "Yes, the wash is done. Why? Don't you think 40 pairs of underwear is enough for three days?"  Maybe I'm exaggerating, but he definitely packs about 12 pairs for a three-day trip.

While I agree that packing a couple of extra pairs of undies is always prudent, I have no idea what he's doing with the rest of them.  If they did not come back clean, I would definitely be more worried, but I think I'll just consider "clean underwear" Tom's security blanket.

Connor: It's probably not unusual for a teenage boy who participates in sports to wear more than one pair of underwear a day.  I actually would worry if he only wore one pair, but I can't seem to reconcile how he manages to wear 3, 4 and sometimes 5 pairs, and that's in addition to the spandex pants he wears when he's not wearing underwear.

When I ask him why he changes his underwear so much, he says he doesn't.  Hmmm.  It's sort of like the towel situation in the house.  Everybody claims to use their towel more than once, but yet things don't add up with the laundry.  Maybe one of the dogs is showering and then putting on Connor's underwear.  I obviously need a dog cam.  

I'm going to just keep washing underwear everyday and not complain because as we all know there are worse things a 16 year old boy can be doing than changing his underwear.  Right?

Taylor: When Taylor comes home to visit he always brings a giant suitcase full of dirty laundry.  He'll actually say to me, "Look what I brought you?"  I told you I like to do the laundry and there is no better challenge than a suitcase full of clothes collected from the floor of a 22-year old's college apartment, which Tom and I have only entered one time.  Once was enough.

Although he denies it, I don't think he ever does laundry at college, and so if we assume laundry only gets done when he comes home, which isn't often, he must be: (A) Wearing underwear more than once, or (B) Going commando.  My money is on Option B.

He owns about 30 pairs of underwear, and about 10 pairs of spandex pants, so based on my estimation he goes without underwear at least every other day.  I'm not sure if he actually goes every other day without underwear, or wears it for 40 consecutive days and then goes without it for 40 consecutive days.  I'll need to ask him.

Oops! Did I miss an Option?  I know he wears his girlfriend's socks and I've occasionally found her sweatpants in his wash, but I think she draws the line at her underwear.  At least I hope she does.

Bella:  Like many dogs, Bella likes to seek out and munch on underwear that has been worn.  I know that is gross, but if you have a dog, you have likely had to chase them down to retrieve a pair of undies. Bella is always underfoot, so whenever she's not around and it's too quiet in the house I can usually find her lounging on a bed enjoying a pair of panties.  I'm smart enough to bury my undies at the bottom of the hamper, but the men in this house just fling their undies casually into their hampers and Little Ms. Bella uses her pointy nose to scoop them out.

When I catch Bella in the act, she immediately leaps off the bed and runs through the house with the underwear still clutched between her teeth.  This is when Charlie gets in on the act.  He likes to play the role of "Sheriff" and chase down Bella to get the underwear back for me, but in the process there is usually a tug-of-war and the undies get ripped.  Thanks, Charlie.

That's What's "Behind" Our Underwear Issues, "butt" I bet we're not alone with our hangups, and you've probably got some stories based on how you were "reared."

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