Friday, March 28, 2014

"Dress Thinner by Dinner" and Other Lies

I'll buy any magazine that features an article on "easy" ways to look younger, lose weight, get in shape, feel better, be sexier, etc., etc.  You get it.  Shallow and looking for a quick fix.

I recently read an article, "10 Steps to Look 10 Years Younger."  As I read the article, I was happy to see that I already did 9 of the 10 steps.  My happiness was short lived when I realized I'm almost 54, but I don't look 44.  I look 54.  Does that mean if I didn't do those 9 steps I would look 64?  This math is giving me more frown lines.

Maybe the problem is that it's "an all or nothing" thing, and that unless I do all 10 steps none of the steps count.  Okay, I will buy an eyelash curler tomorrow and start curling my eyelashes, in addition to continuing with the other 9 steps, and we'll see if I look 10 years younger.  Stay tuned.

Another article title that grabbed my attention was "21 Days to a Bikini Body."  As you might have guessed, the title was a little misleading and assumed the reader was beginning their 21-day countdown with a pretty fit body.  Who edits this junk?

Why did I bother with that article?  I don't know?  Memorial Day is quickly approaching and I thought that might be a good goal for the summer kickoff, even though I have not worn a bikini in over 30 years.  Sadly, I determined that I would need more than 21 days even if I ate only lettuce, drank only water, and exercised all day.  Oh well, I love a cute cover-up anyway.

I'm a reasonably intelligent person and yet I still bought the magazine hoping someone discovered a secret plan that would work in 21 days.  News flash: There is no secret plan.

You will probably not be surprised to learn that I also bought "Tiger Beat" magazine (I loved that magazine!) when I was 14 years old because it included an article that promised bigger boobs with exercise and magic creams.  My issues go way back, and you may have noticed that article was a load of crap.

Finally, I found an article, "Dress Thinner by Dinner" that was not completely misleading.  I just need to buy Spanx, lots of Spanx, follow a few suggestions on what to wear for my body type, and pay attention to my hairstyle and makeup.  I can do this, but wait; workout clothes are not an option!  How am I going to get fit if I don't wear workout clothes?  What do you mean I can't get fit just by wearing workout clothes?  Why not?

The woman they used as their model was my age (there's no way to say this nicely) and needed a lot of help.  She had not had a haircut in 30 years, had no makeup on, wore palazzo pants (they are back in style), and the same Earth shoes she wore in college.  And, she definitely did not believe in the magic of hair color like I do.  You get the picture, right?  Of course, a few changes were going to yield big results.

But, what's the answer for people like me who already do 9 out of 10 steps and still need help?

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