Philadelphia:The Ugliest City in America

My son's girlfriend sent me this photo and I thought to myself, "That's a nice shot of Tom and I.  We're not a bad looking couple."

I don't think we're Brad and Angelina, but we're certainly not the worst looking couple you've ever seen.  Right?

Well, not everybody agrees with me.

This is a true story.

About 20 years ago on a Saturday afternoon, Tom and I were walking down Walnut Street in Center City Philadelphia.  We saw a camera crew on the street, pointing the camera at us, but did not think anything of it.

That night, my brother-in-law called and said, "Turn on the TV.  Turn on the TV. You're going to be on TV."

Apparently, the broadcaster had previewed the stories coming up after the commercial break and a picture Tom and I flashed on the TV screen.

Tom quickly turned on the TV just as the newscaster was reading a report about a survey conducted by the newspaper USA Today that voted Philadelphia the "Ugliest City in America."

As the newscaster read the report an image of Tom and I walking down the street filled the TV screen.

Now you can tell people you know the "Ugliest Couple in America!"

By the way, Philadelphia has also been voted the "Most Hostile" and one of the "Most Obese" cities, so I guess I can work with "Ugliest."

"I Have a Good Idea for The Blog"

Since starting the blog I've received lots of suggestions for things to blog about, but I don't think I'm clever enough to build a story around some of the ideas provided to me.

For example, the photo below is from my niece in Florida, and it is a funny photo, but beyond sharing the photo of the monkey riding on its owner's car mirror, drinking from a sippy cup, what do I say?

What I really want to know about is the person driving the car and why he has a little monkey dressed like a person traveling with him?  Now, that's a story worth pursuing.  Unfortunately, since this photo was taken at a red light there was no opportunity for my niece to get more details.

Monkey sitting on car mirror.

The photo below was sent to me from my sister.  As you can see, it's a photo of a rodent in the trash.  "Ew, that's gross!"  Now what do I say?

This is a photo of a person's hand that experienced an allergic reaction to a bee sting.  "Ouch!"  I got nothing else.

Allergic reaction to bee sting.

Tom and I saw this sign while on a walk in Orlando earlier this year.  He thought it might be good for the blog, and while the sign's message is definitely intriguing, I for one am not writing any blog post that includes the words "Islamic, God, and Jugular Vein."  Just feels like that would be bad karma.

Actual sign seen in Orlando, FL.

When I was in the Philadelphia airport recently, I saw three nuns dressed in their "habits" in line at a Chick-fil-A.  My first reaction was, "Now that's funny."  I don't know why I thought the sight of three nuns getting chicken nuggets and fries was funny, but I did.  I know nuns eat and I assume they eat fast food too.

I could have created a blog around the nuns at the Chick-fil-A, but I was afraid to take their photo because it felt sacrilegious to use those devout women for a laugh.  I was also afraid I might get struck down by the Big Guy.  I really needed the photo because you really needed to see the visual of the nuns standing in line next to the full-sized cutout cow advertising, "Eat Mor Chikin."

Missing: Three Nuns

I guess if I was really immature and wanted to write something very juvenile I could have worked with the photo of the German bratwurst below, but just the knowledge that a person in my family ordered an entree title "Assorted German Bratwurst" was not funny to me.  And, you all know who ordered that entree.

Assorted German Bratwurst

I've also had many suggestions to write a blog post about the infamous "Vince the Yard Guy."  Now that is a good suggestion, and in fact, Vince has enough material to support a blog dedicated to him.

Here are some highlights from the past 20 years:

• He once gave me a used Mother's Day card.

• One Friday night he barged into our kitchen declaring, "I just saw a cougar!"  Then he turned to Connor, or Kyle as Vince likes to call him, and said, "You know I would not lie to you Kyle."  We're not sure why he singled out Connor, but after we calmed him down and he left we all were worried he might be on really bad drugs.  Turns out, "Cougar on the Loose" was the top story on that evening's news.

• While we don't have definitive proof, we think there was a time period when Vince used the boys' tree house as a place to sleep.  One morning I saw his bike on the tree house landing and a shirt hanging over the railing.  I said to Vince, "You know you can't sleep there."  To which he responded, "I know Ms. Peggy."

• Over the years I have loaned Vince lots of money that he has always paid back by "working it off."  I have purchased a plane ticket so he could go to his father's funeral, a bus ticket for his sister's funeral, a train ticket and contribution for his family reunion, and countless other situations.  

• He once helped Tom clean the garage and Tom gave him several boxes of opened liquor bottles.  I did not know that Vince stored the bottles in the boys' tree house until I kept seeing him at all times of the day and night sneaking in the tree house for "a little something."

• I always give him leftovers, or soup when I make it, and one time he brought me a bowl of deliciousness that included Ramen noodles and Spam.  He thought I would like it.

• Vince usually shows up on Xmas Eve to tidy up the yard for us.  That is really code for, "I need money for the holidays."  One Xmas Eve, after he finished his work, he asked Tom to give him a ride to his brother's house.  On the way, he asked to stop at the Dollar Store where Tom waited in the car while Vince shopped and then it was on to his brother's house in Delaware.  The trip took Tom so long that he missed Xmas Eve mass.

• A few summers ago Taylor went to London to study abroad and Vince asked me if he took the bus there, from Philadelphia.

• I've spent countless hours on the phone with the VA Hospital, scheduling and canceling appointments for Vince, and giving him carfare to get to said appointments.

• There was the famous "smoking pot" episode in the boys' tree house when I pretended I didn't see him smoking pot, but we both knew that I did.  It's interesting as I write these recollections that a lot of Vince-activity takes place in the boys' tree house.  Apparently, that was a good investment 16+ years ago.

• When I came home from Vermont this week, Vince gave me a kiss to congratulate me on Taylor's college graduation.  He told me, "I remember when he was just a little blond haired boy playing in his (my) tree house."

I don't really know what the deal is with Vince.  He tends to come around on his own schedule when he needs money, but when he does show up he is a hard worker, he's honest in all of his dealings with us, and he gives me a lot of good laughs.  People think we're crazy to put up with his shenanigans, but he's a good person who got off the track somewhere along the line, but not completely.  We love him.

If any of you come up with any good blog ideas send them along, as you can probably tell I'm very open to suggestions.

We Love You, Now Grow the @!%# Up!

Congratulations. Class of 2014.

This is for my son, Taylor, as he graduates college. 

You’ve been expensive.  Expensive to feed, clothe, house, entertain, and educate.  We don’t dare estimate what we’ve spent preparing to launch you, especially the education part. 

15 years of independent school tuition, 2 years of Pre-Kindergarten because Mrs. Ezzo said you were not mature enough for Kindergarten.  Turns out, Mrs. Ezzo was a genius.  Then there was your college tuition.    

As you venture into the world and embark on your journey of independent adulthood, here’s what we would consider payback:

Support yourself.  Get a job.  You might need two or three jobs.  You may not like your job or your boss, the work might be boring, but that’s okay.  It’s just a job and you can’t support yourself without a job. 

So get a job, keep it, and don’t waste a lot of energy complaining about it.  Focus on the parts of the job you like and realize that you may not be happy every day at work.  Having a roof over your head and food in your belly are reasons to smile.  So slap on a smile, pull up your boots, and get on with it!

If you decide you want to do something different, or need to make more money, then look for a new job, but don’t ever quit your job before you have another one, unless your life is in danger, actually. 




Also, remember how you would call my semi-monthly deposits for your living expenses "payday?"  That was cute.  Well, your "real" payday won't be deposited a day early because you only have $2 left, and you won't get any extra for holidays.  Sorry.

Be a good employee.  Get to work on time, dress appropriately and wear clean clothes, don’t waste the company’s time or resources, and be respectful to everybody with whom you work.  No texting (unless it's me), Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or Tumblr when you should be working.

Don’t call in sick unless you are really sick.  The number of alleged illnesses and deaths of extended family members you suffered in college was truly unbelievable, and your professors did not believe you.  However, while they could not fire you for missing class, your boss can fire you for missing work.  

Never drink alcohol at lunch and don’t share too much personal information.  Trust me, nobody will be impressed that you have watched every Family Guy episode at least 10 times, although Daddy and I are super proud of that accomplishment.

Sadly, your weekday afternoon naps are a thing of the past.  

  

Work hard.  If you work hard you will get results. 

Don’t believe the hype that there are no opportunities for your generation, so what’s the point?  The point is that we live in a great country and there are opportunities, but you must seek them out, and make the most of them. 

Your parents come from very humble backgrounds.  Your Dad grew up with 9 people in a row home with 3 bedrooms and 1 bathroom.  That he paid 100% of your education is one of the proudest accomplishments of his life.  He works hard.

Please trust us on this one, work hard and we promise you it will pay off.  It will not be immediate, but hard work does have its rewards, and you’ll feel good about your accomplishments.  Keep in mind your "rewards" may not all be financial in nature.

Live debt-free.  Savor the freedom of being debt-free and keep it that way.  Live on what you make and you will always have options.  

If your friends or colleagues appear to have more money to spend than you, 9 out of 10 times, they are living on credit, or their parents are funding them.  

It’s normal to struggle when you are just starting out building a career.  It’s your chance to be normal.

Don’t be afraid to say, “I can’t afford it.”  Don't care what people think. This is not easy to do, so you'll need to work hard at it, but you'll be happier if you are not always worrying about money.

You like romantic things, find the romance in being broke.   

Pay your bills.  Pay your bills on time and protect your credit.  You’ll need good credit to buy a car, a place to live, and for most jobs. 

One day late is late.  I know we had some trouble with this concept with your checking account when you would overdraw it by $1.50, and I had to convince you that any number with a “-“ sign in front of it is still negative, even if it’s a small number.  Remember, negative is negative and late is late.

Create a home for yourself.  You don’t have to live like you’re still in college until you can afford the perfect apartment or house.  Start now to create a home wherever you are living.  Keep it tidy and be a good neighbor.  Do your laundry more than quarterly and leave your “commando” days in the past.    

And, we never want to open another email from your landlord with photos of your apartment looking like a “crack house” and a bathtub that looks like a science project.  Those days are behind us, right? 

Eat well, exercise and stay healthy.  It’s time to take Dominoes off the speed dial, and to agree that Burritos are not a legitimate Food Group.  Learn how to cook a few good things and eat at home as much as possible.  Cereal can be a legitimate dinner if it’s not Lucky Charms.

Make exercise a part of your lifestyle.  Believe us, the weight just creeps up on you, and suddenly you are overweight.  Don’t wait until you’re 50 years old and need to take all sorts of medications because of your weight. 

Stay healthy, it’s cheaper and a better way to go through life.

Live a tattoo-free life.  If you are considering a tattoo, promise to talk to us and then wait 30 days after our conversation before your final decision.

If you do go ahead with the “I Love Mom” tattoo just make sure it’s someplace where you can cover it up.

Always pursue your passion.  If you can make a living doing what you love, that’s great.  If you can’t, still pursue your passion on a part-time basis.  

If you put the work in you’ll end up where you’re supposed to get.

Have fun.  You can still have a lot of fun as an independent adult.  We still do.  You can even still observe "Thirsty Thursday," but know that Friday mornings will roll around earlier than they did in college.  

Be happy.  It’s your responsibility.  

Remember the motto your Nanny lived by, “If you’re not happy, get happy.”

Sorry if this sounds like a lot of nagging, and if you find some of this information so completely obvious.  It made me feel better to know I’ve said it to you.  It's my "helicopter parent" swan song.

You won’t get it right all the time and you’ll make mistakes.  That’s normal.  Just learn from your mistakes and move forward, and remember to ask for help when you need it.  

Congratulations on graduating from college, that is a very big accomplishment and something for which you should be proud. Remember how you feel as you graduate; it feels good to work hard for something and to achieve success.

Good luck.  You make us proud.  We have faith in you.  We love you!

Please don't ask for any more money.  Seriously. 

xo

Mom and Dad

Help Wanted: Mom

Belize, 2011

Being a Mom has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life.  My boys have brought me endless joy and happiness, but if I had read a job description for "Mom" before starting a family, I might have thought twice before applying.

Job Description: Mom

Overview:

• No experience required
• Salary - $0
• No vacation or sick days
• Hours - 24/7, 365 days a year (Half-day off on Mother's Day)
• Lifetime commitment required

The successful candidate will: 

• Function on little or no sleep, as required,
• Demonstrate flexibility and fairness,
• Place the needs of their clients (kids) before their own,
• Have excellent negotiation skills,
• Be willing to get peed, pooped, and vomited on,
• Work with little supervision or assistance, and
• Take on additional seasonal activities, as needed.

Additional skills preferred, but can be learned on the job:

• Cooking
• Cleaning  
• Laundry
• Light medical
• Homework/Tutoring
• Hosting birthday parties
• Volunteering at school
• Coaching
• Organizing extracurricular activities
• Scheduling  

Now that I have had 23 years of experience, I would add the following additional key roles of a successful Mom:

Psychologist

At our house, I'm the one the boys dump on.  I get to absorb all of their angst when something is bothering them, their frustrations when they have too much schoolwork, their stress when they have too much going on.  

A phone call from Taylor or a conversation on the way to school with Connor can send my mood spiraling downward, as I worry all day about them.  Many times I'll check in with them a few hours later and they can't recall what was bothering them.  They just needed to get it off their chests.  Thanks.  I'm glad I could help.  

Cheerleader

It's my job to prop the boys up and to encourage them to do their best. When the boys were in grade school I would sing the mantra, "Positive Thinker.  Positive Thinker," every morning on the way to school to get them psyched.  I'm a really bad singer, so I can't say how effective my efforts were.   




I've also spent years of my life in audiences, classrooms, and on sidelines celebrating all of their achievements, large and small.  And, you know, despite how much we love our children some of that stuff can be boring…no painful is more accurate.

Stylist

They don't let me dress them anymore, but when they did this was an important job to me.  Do you know how hard it is to find matching outfits when there's a 6+ years age difference?  


Taylor let me dress him until he graduated from high school.  True story. Perhaps that's why he now buys his clothes at the Goodwill.  If you knew him when he was younger and saw the get-ups I put on him, then you know that the way he dresses now is the best way for him to get back at me.  


Connor fired me as his stylist when he was 13 months old.  That's not an exaggeration.  He refused to wear overalls after his 1st birthday and has had an opinion on what to wear ever since.  Fortunately, he does not shop at the Goodwill and has his own style, not one I always approve of, but a style nonetheless.

Psychic

It is true Moms have super powers.  I know when something is wrong.  I see it in their faces and I hear it in their voices.  I can also sense when something is up in the pattern of their texts or phone calls.  I'll say to Tom, "Something is up, I know it."  He'll just shake his head, but I'm right 9 out of 10 times.  

You Moms know what I'm talking about.  We just know.  We feel something is not aligning in the Universe.  Too bad we can't harness those super powers to find the damn car keys in our purses.

I'm also able to see things that are in plain view that the kids are unable to see.  Only after I get up, go upstairs, and go to the exact spot where I told them they would find whatever they are looking for are they able to see it too.  

Ringleader

I'm the one in our house who does all of the planning and work for vacations and holidays.  I made the mistake early on of creating all sorts of traditions around holidays and events, and unfortunately they can be exhausting to maintain, but when I try and change or eliminate any of them the boys protest. 

Being the only female in a house of males it sometimes feels like nobody pays attention to all of the work and logistics involved in making things run smoothly, and sometimes I threaten them that I'm not going to do it anymore.  

That's when they tell me, "Thank you for making everything so special" and then I feel guilty for threatening to throw all of the Christmas decorations in the trash.

Chauffeur

Shuttling kids to all of their activities can be a full-time job.  I don't know how people with more than one child can logistically get everybody where they need to be.  I think I'd have to insist all of the kids do the same activities.  Individuality is overrated.  

The good news about being in the car so much is that it doubles as an excellent interrogation room.  My son is trapped in the car and can't avoid my questions, or me, and if I have the good fortune to drive around his friends I get to pump them for information too.

The car is also the perfect spot for me to practice my singing, and to think up clever Facebook posts as I wait in drop off and pick up lines.

Prison Warden

My least favorite job is to be a disciplinarian, but lucky for me I have a little bit of my mother in me when it comes to parenting.  My basic philosophy is pretty simple, "Because I'm the parent and I said so."

Bad Wife (Sometimes)  

Every marriage counselor will tell you to put your marriage before your kids.  That's not something we've done.  


Tom tells the story of how his Dad summed up his relationship with his Mom as follows, "I love your Mother and I love you kids, but I love your Mom more.  Your Mother loves you kids more than she loves me."  


Fortunately, we are both happy to put the boys first, but when Connor leaves for college in two years we'll see how this strategy works out.  


I'll keep you posted, and if things don't work out I'll just start a new blog about a bitter divorcee, and it won't be called Come On, That Was Funny!

Friend (With limited benefits)

I love my kids, but I also like them a lot.  I enjoy their company, they make me laugh and I would choose them as friends if I weren't their Mom. But, I am their Mom, so we're not really friends, but I still like them like a friend.  

Unlike my friends, they make me crazy sometimes like no other person on this planet, except the dogs, but they're are not people.  

There I said it, "THE DOGS ARE NOT PEOPLE!"  

We live in a scary world, especially with regard to raising children.  I'm grateful that my boys have thus far (every smart parent always includes a caveat) been really great kids providing us with endless joy and entertainment.  I'm not naive enough to believe great parenting got us this far; we've been blessed with luck too.

Taylor graduates from college next week and I can still remember the day we took him to Montessori school and Tom and I cried in the parking lot after we dropped him off.  

And, I remember like it was yesterday, picking Connor up on his first day of school and him telling me, "Pull over, get out, and come hug me."  He's old enough to drive a car.  That makes me sad.

Life goes by quickly.  I know it's cliché, but it's true.  I get melancholy when I think of all the things that we don't do anymore.  Trick or treating, Easter egg hunts, building sand doodle castles, bringing cupcakes to school for birthdays, school plays.  

You think it will last forever while it's all going on and you don't always enjoy it like you should because you're tired from it all going on.  




Remember this if your kids are still young.  It won't last forever.

Thank you boys for the love you give to me.  

I love you. 

Mom 

xo

PS:

I am fortunate to have many people in my life that I love and who love me, but sometimes the only person you want is your Mom.  Missing my Mom on Mother's Day and everyday.  

Make sure you let your Mom know how much you love her and how important she is to you.